I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
You Might Also Like
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
(Gaming support cat.)
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
welp
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Venn
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more