I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
that lip filler tho
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*