do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Employees must applaud the planets.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”