“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way