I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.