DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
You Might Also Like
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Trumpy Cat
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.