“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
This is a true ally.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*