Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?