There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Storm Tropical Storm
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”