I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
You Might Also Like
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
This is me
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
moms in horror movies
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.