So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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Nose
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.