“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”