Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
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Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road