Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.