Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.