Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Pringles
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma