I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
You Might Also Like
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Oceanography is all about current events
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born