shampoo implies shampee
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.