H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.