For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
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GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.