“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
drew a comic about my origin story
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Don’t we all.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
A French press is when you hug naked
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?