[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.