I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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