My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters