Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late