I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?