Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates