When I said I liked it rough.
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
2022: I can fix it
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides