starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
You Might Also Like
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Choose your fighter
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*