Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.