Day 4: They suspect nothing.
馃摳:
You Might Also Like
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
#polloftheday
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m鈥檒ady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Seems legit
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I鈥檒l be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can鈥檛.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
*wakes up in bed with horse鈥檚 head, hits snooze button*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I hate when I鈥檓 running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it鈥檚 been 4 minutes.