Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
That’s no pocket rocket.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah