My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Feels
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you