┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Just a phase…
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
What if the weather talks about us?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
People buying plungers never look happy.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I need to update my racial profile.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either