Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.