My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
welcome back
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.