How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Wait a minute…
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.