Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
…..pretty much.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.