The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous