*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
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the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”