[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing