Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
no!! no!!!!!!
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets