I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.