Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.