Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.