Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?