1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Are you ok, human???
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?