A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
You Might Also Like
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?