Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.