“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Britain be like
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Print is alive and well!!!